About an hour ago my boss asked what was wrong, was the latest project a project too many? He got a rather flippant answer...but being a nice person he persevered. And I told him how worthless I felt in the workplace. In colourful detail.
Complete with tears. Why tears?
A man wouldn't have broken down and cried a man would have told his boss why it was important that he rewards him correctly...or else. I didn't say or else. What I said was:
And I am. I'm sorry I'm now a problem I can't fix...I'm sorry that someone else is going to have to understand this and help me find a solution. I've always been self sufficient.
He's told me to go home for a while. Actually suggested having a G&T then coming back after an extended lunch. What a nice boss.
I know he hasn't got an instant, "just stir and serve" answer...I don't know what I expect him to do with the rather emotional outburst I've just occluded his day with.
So now I'm heating up a big fat pizza. That's another one of my problems - I'm 5' 4" and unless I practically starve myself I weigh 11st 3lb. Almost always. But that's nothing new.
I haven't told my husband yet. I ought to pick up the phone and talk to him, he's usually very good at listening. But that will bring fresh weeping from me and I don't have the right to upset his day too. One of us having a shitty time is bad enough...
I did pick the phone up to the doctor earlier. In my head a voice was saying, "you don't need to be here, you're not sleeping, it's all their fault. Just call". And I did. It was engaged. Perversely that also felt like disinterest. I suspect I may need to talk to someone.